Don’t Judge Our Gay Children


A letter from a mom in the trenches…

To those who would challenge our gay children:

Thank you for providing me the forum to write this letter. I have wanted to speak on this for a very long time and the comments on the FreedHearts website (specific to the article, “To Christian Parents of Gay Children”) provided me the necessary thoughts.

Let me begin by saying this: I am a Christian! I do not doubt my salvation nor my relationship with Jesus. I will be in Heaven one day. My name is in the Book of Life.

So is my gay teenage son’s. I marveled as that little boy gave his heart to Jesus and was awestruck to watch his baptism. I do not doubt my son’s salvation. I love this child with every fiber of my being and I know that his Heavenly Father loves him even more.

What I find so troublesome is that people forget how Jesus walked this earth in human form and loved the unlovable. He ate dinner with a tax collector. He hung out with lepers, and engaged in conversation with an unclean woman. Look at his disciples—they were common men called to do uncommon things as Jesus encouraged them to think outside the box. He gave his followers grace and mercy and love.

If we don’t act from love, we do no justice to God’s word in John 3:16 and Mark 12:30-31. (This is the only scripture reference I offer—to throw God’s word around repeatedly and legalistically is a convenient way to minimize human dignity.) I am far more concerned with loving my neighbor wherever they are in life… whether it’s homelessness, addiction, job loss, or death of a child. I’m fairly certain that you would find these circumstances worthy of aid and even grace and mercy. The question I ask is simple: what if that neighbor was gay? Would you think differently? Would you step outside of your comfort zone and offer support? Please consider this, because you never know what life will throw your way.

From one parent to another, I hope we can agree that our children can make life very interesting and their circumstances can impact our daily life. A sniffle can turn into a cold and a cough can become troublesome quickly. We correct and nurture our children, teach them about God, take them to church and reinforce the need for a strong moral compass. I have done all of these things as I’m sure you have. Guess what? My son is still gay. I know this is not a choice. He was never molested and his father was present and loving. My son is also not a pedophile or degenerate, despite the mainstream stereotypes that keep being perpetuated. He has never even endured a tragedy in his stable life, and yet he is who he is.

The moment I laid eyes on that child I knew he was a gift from God—his given name means as much. I urge you as a parent: please remove the word “vile” and “abomination” from your vocabulary. Learn to let go of your judgment of this population. We cannot judge others. Only God has that right.

At the end of the day the gay community are people just like us and they are created in God’s image. I will protect my teenager with all of my might. Casting stones will not bring glory to our Creator. We must erase the line in the sand and talk mom to mom—and soon because teenagers like mine need to know that they are safe and that their Heavenly Father loves them.

At the end of the day I’m just a mom to a teenage boy in high school. I struggle with the same type of issues you do— a messy room and an aversion to homework. Please do not label, use derogatory slurs, or offer to pray the gay away. You and I are not God; only He can change hearts.

If your child should ever say to you, “Mom, I’m gay,” (and yes, it happens in the best Christian homes), I beg of you to consider your response carefully.

I for one would love you as my neighbor and listen without judgment or a speck in my eye—and there are many more parents like me. My responsibility as a parent includes grace and mercy. My gay son is even far more gracious than I; he sees people for who they are. As his mom, I am proud that he is passionate about his neighbor—which includes people like you.



15 thoughts on “Don’t Judge Our Gay Children

  1. Touching letter, as a father of a gay son I am learning a new dimension of God and love. When my son told me he was gay, I thought what had I done wrong! Then my next thought was oh no he is going to burn in Hell. But he still believed in God? So this sent me on a ten year spiritual journey and a spiritual struggle that almost made me neurotic. My world went upside down and nothing made sense anymore. But through much much prayer and rereading the Bible and many talks with a Lutheran Pastor and an Episcopal Priest I started to see a bigger picture of God and His love… I developed a new faith, a richer faith. I left my old fundamental conservative beliefs behind and left the Baptist pulpit but gained freedom in the grace of God. My son and I have a great relationship and love for each other and I am so proud of him. I wish ten years ago I would have know about FreedHearts and that I was not the only parent of a gay child but back then it felt very lonely. Bless you all.

  2. Oh my goodness, what a blessing you are to your son and to me and all those other moms “in the trenches” as you put it. Just when I think I have run out of courage and strength, Susan leaves us another letter that inspires, uplifts, and strengthens my resolve to continue to love my son and my neighbor as you do. Thank you for your words and your wisdom. So many in the church and outside make miserable days almost intolerable for so many who are just beginning to learn all about the unconditional love that Jesus came to teach us about. It is often a difficult journey, and yet I too will not let others tell me my son is something less than beautiful simply because he is gay. God bless you for sharing your courage.

    • Oh Lynn, thank you so much for your kind words. I love your insight that you are in a journey of discovering the unconditional love Christ taught – you worded well what I have also thought, that God is teaching amazing things about his love through this great debate. 🙂 We should be terrified to step between anyone and what God is doing in their life instead of tossing around what we think is God’s judgment. Whew! God bless you dear Lynn and your beloved son. Happy Thanksgiving!

  3. The timing of this letter is just perfect. I refuse to stay quiet and let other family members (blood and church) think my son is welcome just like all sinners and expect him to ask for forgiveness and direction with his affliction! He was born gay!!! Just like others precious children were born color blind or bow legged. Christians don’t expect them to ask for forgiveness so why should my son? It’s time for the walls to fall and for all to see our children as precious as Jesus sees them. My son loves Jesus but won’t attend church for fear of the talk and rejection that will be given to him and me after he leaves town. This is NOT how Jesus wants us to behave while sharing the Joy to the world. I pray that our gay children will run to any church knowing that the love of Jesus is forever present inside those doors compared to the harsh world on the outside. Happy Thanksgiving to you all and may God bless you and your family tomorrow and many days to come.

  4. I have two gay children out of five…but I have to say, in a lifetime of serving God and KNOWING Him, their declaration was not a trauma or drama, or even a surprise for our family, Praise God. Still, dealing with church and family members is an ongoing heartache on so many different levels. THANK YOU for this article and your ministry of love and acceptance. Happy Thanksgiving…how very blessed we are for the children we have which are all gifts from God!

  5. SB, you are not alone.

    I pray that more Christians would drop the customary and seemingly required statement of “Love the sinner, Hate the sin”. It makes my heart break every time I hear that or hear it implied. What a nice convenient way to be a good Christian. I might be okay with that statement if I saw and felt more of the “Love the sinner” part and a whole lot less of the “Hate the sin”. Love God, LOVE others. Don’t worry about “the sin”. Jesus Christ himself took care of that. It is done. Over. Finished.

    How wonderful would it be for God to hear us say something like, “I love your child and I have compassion for what you are all experiencing. How can I walk with you in this journey brother/sister?”

    I pray we all ask and seek God about how do I love more? What is does it look like to God, to LOVE others, not what does it look like to Christians. What does it look like to GOD!

    To many Churches are repelling sinners when Jesus drew us near. Simple truth and yet so hard for us to comprehend. We speak about loving our neighbor and yet the vast majority of us have conditional love. We can love people as long as they are “doing” the right things, according to our views and interpretation of scripture.

    Gods love is always preached as unconditional. This is hard for us humans though isn’t it? We trip and fall as we try to unconditionally love others. One area that I have really grown in on this journey is my ability to love better. I don’t have it down and never will and yet I am getting better at it and truly pray every day that God will give me more and more capacity to love others unconditionally (even those who judge me and my child). I have already had and anticipate many wonderful more blessings to flow from loving others.

    Another parent on the journey,


  6. Beautifully said, SB. You have touched this mom’s heart today. What a gift it would be to be able to serve a gay neighbor and live out the love of Christ. Lord, here am I.

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