My son came out to his dad and I last night. His dad kicked him out. So I am now in a hotel with my son. Home is where the heart is and tonight that makes Motel 6 home. ❤
No definition of real love includes throwing out your gay child. That’s more like hate, condemnation, conditional acceptance – and that should have no place in a person who claims to follow Jesus. It is so unlike Christ.
My friend’s lesbian daughter cut herself badly last night. Her explanation to her mom is that she knows her dad will never accept her. She can’t take the pain. Now she faces some serious ramifications in her own life, and her dad will say, “See? It’s because she’s gay.” But her orientation is not the problem. Her father’s rejection and conditional love is the problem.
If you’re a parent who is upset/angry/beside yourself because your child is gay, I beg of you to stop and think about what you’re doing — about how you will react, about how you will love. Does the way you are loving, accepting and affirming your child match with the very heart of God? Does it match how God has loved you?
You cannot fathom the wounds in a child’s heart, in a child’s life when a parent rejects them at their very core, when a parent says, “I cannot accept you the way you are” or “I cannot accept you unless you change.” Moms, Dads, this world is full of people who will judge and accept or reject our children based on many things. We are the ones who are supposed to love them unconditionally. No matter what. Period. We are the ones who are supposed to fill and strengthen their hearts with unconditional love so they can withstand the conditional (often brutal) love from others.
The last thing we need to do is also offer conditional love. To deepen those wounds with condemnation, harsh words and actions, even kicking them out of the home and the family, can lead to tragic results.
And please, don’t justify your cruelty by pulling God into it, doing it all “in the name of Jesus.” God does not tell us to kick our kids out of the house because we don’t approve of who they are. He does not tell us to berate, abuse or assault them. Instead, put on the heart of Christ we see in Billy Graham’s answer, when asked what he would do if he had a gay child: “I’d love that one all the more.”
If you’re married to someone who is upset/angry/beside themselves over your gay child, then you may have some decisions to make. You may have to fight for your child. You may have to choose a risky and frightening path, because to stand with your rejecting spouse may result in a dead child. Not to overstate the case, but I’ve seen it happen. Find support. Don’t go along with a rejecting spouse to “keep the peace.”
If you know a child who’s been kicked out for being gay, perhaps you can help find a place for them to go. Could they stay with you? The Bible tells us to take them in, not kick them out.
Check out my Resources page, and ask God to guide you in these difficult situations.
If you are the one who’s been rejected, you need to know it’s not your fault. It’s totally not about you. That is, you did not cause it. Being true to yourself did not cause it. Thousands of gay kids are not kicked out of their homes. “Kicking out” is a choice — and it was not your choice. I know we automatically blame ourselves when we’re rejected, but I assure you, this is not your fault.
I’m sorry to say you cannot change your parents. Your only path to life will be to find your own way with God, to survive with God’s capable hand, and let your parents be. Let God work in their hearts. Don’t figure out how to earn their approval, because earned approval is not love — and it’s always shifting. Certainly parents need time to come around, but if they’re throwing you out of the house, then it’s time to let them be and seek out those who will help you.
“We have to move a generation of people to have unconditional love for their kids. At the core of it is parental love and acceptance. That’s the core of it. It’s not societal; it’s parental.” Dan Bucatinsky, from Scandal.