Kids Are Dying – It’s Time To Speak Up!

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“My son came out to his dad and I last night. His dad kicked him out. So I am now in a hotel with my son. Home is where the heart is and tonight that makes Motel 6 home.”

Kicking your LGBTQ child out in love is a ludicrous idea. No definition of love includes throwing out your gay child. That’s more like hate. I know, we mix them up sometimes. Kids are dying out there, and I felt it was time for me to speak up.

My friend’s lesbian daughter cut herself badly several nights ago. Her explanation to her mom is that she knows her dad will never accept her. She can’t take the pain. You see, her dad thinks her orientation is the problem, but it’s not. Now she faces some serious ramifications in her own life, and her dad will say, “See? It’s because she’s gay.” But it’s not.

It’s because he rejects her.

If you’re a parent who is upset/angry/beside yourself over a gay child, I beg of you to rethink your position. If you really think kicking out your child is the answer, then do this: think about the most difficult thing you have had to face — a huge loss of a relationship or job, a serious illness, even the death of a loved one or close friend. Imagine then that as you’re facing this, you also are thrown out of where you live, rejected by the very people who were supposed to love you no matter what. Not only must you now face the huge situation in your life, but you also have to struggle to survive, and your head and your heart are spinning.

That is what you would be doing to your child if you kick them out. People do not become ‘ungay’ because they’re kicked out of their house. They are just gay and now kicked out of their house. You cannot justify such cruelty by pulling God into it. God does not tell us to kick our kids out of the house because we don’t approve of what they do. Period.

Please.

If your spouse has kicked out your gay child or plans to, seek help, seek counsel. Maybe even legal help. Because you may have to choose between a rejecting spouse or a dead child. I’m not kidding. And who is in a better position to help a child whose parent kicks them out than the other parent?

Church, do not justify the parent who wants to kick the child out. The bible doesn’t tell us to kick them out; it tells us to take them in. 40% of homeless LGBTQ youth have been kicked out of their homes by rejecting parents. Don’t pretend you are somehow defending the gospel by turning away children. That’s a sure way to take those children hate the gospel, and it’s a false gospel. Please, please don’t do it.

If you know someone who’s been kicked out for being gay, perhaps you can help find a place for them to go. Could they stay with you?

If you are someone who’s been rejected, you need to know it’s not your fault. Your being gay did not cause it. It’s not really about you, and there is nothing wrong with you. It’s about your parents. Thousands of gay kids are not kicked out of their homes. “Kicking out” is a choice — and it was your parents’ choice, not yours.

We automatically blame ourselves when we’re rejected — it’s just part of the human condition. But I assure you, it is not your fault. You cannot change your parents. Don’t take that burden on your shoulders. Your only path to life will be to find your own way with God, to survive with God’s capable hand, and let your parents be.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, let me say this bluntly: they are not worth it. Yes you love them, of course, and you wish they would come around. Maybe someday they will. They are on their own journey. But parents who reject their children for any reason are not worth giving your life for. Do you understand what I’m saying? It will get better–I promise you that!

Don’t figure out how to earn approval from people, including parents, because earned approval is like sand — it’s always shifting. If you have to earn it, it’s definitely not love. Parents need time to come around, but if they’re throwing you out of the house, then it’s time to let them be and find others to help you. We are out there, and we are willing.

“We have to move a generation of people to have unconditional love for their kids. At the core of it is parental love and acceptance. That’s the core of it. It’s not societal; it’s parental.” Dan Bucatinsky, from Scandal.

8 thoughts on “Kids Are Dying – It’s Time To Speak Up!

  1. I feel such a burden to help those kids out there who have been rejected. Susan if you know of any way I can get involved, please let me know. My gay son knows kids whose parents are actually paying them to be straight. Can you even imagine?? Hopefully through blogs like yours parents will educate themselves and learn to love their children. My husband and I made mistakes in the beginning of our journey with our son, but we have always let him know that he is loved…no matter what. Thank you for the work that you do.

  2. While I was not kicked out of the house for being a lesbian by my parents, I was ultimately ‘kicked out’ of my sister’s home for being depressed. Because she and her husband did not understand depression, nor were they willing to take the time to learn and understand me better, they chose instead to just put it out of their house! During my time of being homeless, I had my own ‘family,’ and we looked out for each other. Fortunately, I was in the hospital at the time so the social worker gave me shelter information. Even with that information, it still took me over a week to actually go to the shelter.

    Being rejected in this way goes so deep! I pray that as parents learn that their child is GLBTQ that they can take that deep breath and count to five or five hundred…whatever it takes that will allow them to respond with LOVE!

  3. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for speaking truth. My heart and living room are waiting if someone needs a spot.

  4. This article is filled with truth. There are certain people you think will be by your side through out life. You believe even in disagreement they will stand not only BY you but FOR you. Parents certainly fit into that category. Unfortunately I was one who found out true family is not found in DNA and as I sit here at 51 years of age I still mourn, to a certain degree, what never was. I am recently in a bout with breast cancer and I can tell you even as an adult, a breast cancer patient still longs for her mom. Not the Mom who actually raised her, but the Mom that the biological person never could bring herself to be, i.e. mourning the “never was”.

    But the lack of acceptance from friends who have been considered chosen family for decades is painful also. I am fortunately enough to be getting married in May 2014. I am VERY excited and thought as a Christian lesbian I would never have the chance to get married. My very dearest friend in the whole world, whom I thought we were like sisters, for well over 30 years, declined to be my witness at my wedding because of my “lifestyle”. A “lifestyle” she has known about for everyday of our friendship and sisterhood. But apparently now is “not as alright as she thought she was” about it. I thought I would NEVER do anything of importance without her there. I could not imagine experiencing a life event and her not wanting to be there. But here we are. Somehow she believes we can and should remain “best friends” … chosen family. The problem is I am creating family, through marriage, of which she does not approve. I am beginning to have a totally new perspective on the “forsaking all others” portion of a traditional wedding ceremony.

    Your statement of “Don’t figure out how to earn approval from people, including parents, because earned approval is like sand — it’s always shifting. If you have to earn it, it’s definitely not love.” is resonating with me right about now. Thank you for putting into words something I was unable to do in the midst of a broken and confused heart.

    I do know God loves me. He loves my fiancée. If we continue to seek him, love him and worship him he will smile not only at our wedding, but our marriage. For he is FAITHFUL!

    • He certainly is faithful, and I’m so glad he is showing you how much he loves you! I hear you about missing the mom you wish you had. (Mine died when I was 9 and I will pop into grief and random points in my life as an adult. I think it’s just the way grief is.) I have lost people close to me over this, but you have to go where you know God is leading, don’t you? I’m happy for your new life. May God richly bless you and your new family, Sister!

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