Living Gay & Unashamed!


I don’t understand being in an intimate, loving relationship with a woman. If I did, would it be difficult for me to tell others?

Today I want to share with you one woman’s story… in her own words…

I know for certain, without any doubt, that if it were the norm for people to have intimate relationships regardless of gender (as in anyone could do it and people embraced it as a general rule), I would have no issue at all. That’s right. It would not trouble me at all!

So, it’s obviously being different that bothers me. And, it bothers me a lot!

It’s not because I think God doesn’t accept it, because that simply makes no sense to me at all. God has no gender. He’d love us to be wholly dedicated in our focus to Him, but if we must be in an intimate relationship I believe it must just honor Him. It must be a loving (produce fruits of the spirit) and committed (honoring) relationship. I have absolutely no reason to believe God cares about gender… and any belief to the contrary, well, is absurd.

So, my issue is with what is generally acceptable to others; society. I want people to like me and think positively of me. What is quite ironic is both women I know well who are in same gender relationships are loved dearly. People in large amounts and in very different ways love them. So, there is not much reason to believe I cannot also develop relationships, community, that embraces me.

But going out and hanging out with large (or even smaller) groups of people that don’t know, makes me think “If they knew, they would think less of me. They wouldn’t like me.” It creates fear about being fully real. And, I don’t like it.

The struggles I’ve had through this process have been caused, in large part, by what I’ve decided in my mind is unacceptable for other people about me. Not by what people are actually telling me is unacceptable. The longer I wait to share the more I build up in my mind about what is difficult to swallow about me. So, it’s not what others say or don’t say, but the grace I don’t extend to myself on their behalf.

The bottom line is I have to decide my relationship is ok. And, that I’m ok in it. I am still just as vital, precious, humorous, sensitive, friendly, etc. I haven’t stopped being who I am because of who I love. If anything who I love just says more about my ability to live fully and embrace joy… Not let fear dictate.

How do I do this type of radical self-acceptance? How do I allow myself to be fully who I am in the world, risk criticism, and embrace joy? I think I start sharing upfront and stop waiting; hesitating. I stop looking for the person, the relationship, me to be ready for sharing.

I live transparently and in doing that I honor myself. Because waiting sends me the message “this is a sensitive topic. It’s going to be upsetting.” Screw that!

If I approach it that way it will always be difficult.

She is my person and I don’t want to hide that like I am ashamed or concerned of others’ opinions. God brought her to me and I can trust Him to bring us through whatever trial might arise. Sharing will get easier and easier as I do it.

Acceptance starts with me. And the biggest exercise in acceptance is being open about it knowing that I, my life, my love is better than just ‘ok’ – it’s really good.

10 thoughts on “Living Gay & Unashamed!

  1. So many times we are our toughest critics and biggest roadblocks. It sounds like God has given you a wonderful partner who deserves celebrating, as do you! You know God loves you, you feel God has brought this person into your life, you yearn for that freedom that comes with being fully known. I understand the hesitancy. I also know that, while a few people may say some negative things or turn away, many others will be so happy for you! It is a risk, but it is also an opportunity. Only you know when you are ready to take that step, but many people’s reactions may surprise you, in a good way. Courage, friend!

  2. Susan

    My son 13 year old son Nick came out to me, my wife, his older sister and pretty much the whole world on the “Day of Silence” via Instagram. However, he is not ready to come out to his younger brother who is 10. We have told him that he should because either someone will slip up or eventually he may hear it from a mutual friend.

    I finally told Nick to tell his brother that he is gay when he is ready. The extended family does not know either, but they suspect. I am open to suggestions from you and or others on this topic.

    My son who is more of a joy since coming out is concerned how his brother will look at him. They are very close and Nick says that their world will change forever once his brother knows. I tell Nick that his brother will not only accept him but be one of his biggest advocates. We are very supportive of Nick but feel that we can’t really discuss much until the whole family knows.

    I can see both sides. Any thoughts?

    • Hello Nathan. First of all, congratulations to your son – what a courageous young man. Second, I agree that his brother is very likely not going to bat an eye, but will love and embrace him all the more. That’s the generation, plus he will follow your lead of acceptance. I feel certain it is Nick’s fear talking. My fallback is always, “What is God telling me?” If Nick is able to find encouragement by asking and listening to God, that will help a lot. But tell him I said don’t be afraid! It will only continue to get better!

      • Susan:

        I will let you know what happens when Nick tells his younger brother. I have decided not to push but remind him that the longer he waits his brother may find out by accident and be hurt. It is his call.

  3. Once you reach the point of full acceptance of yourself, it is such an amazing, freeing feeling! At that point, it matters less and less what other people thing. Yes, some words will still sting, but YOU won’t feel shame by them. Also, the more confidently you speak about yourself to others, or the more matter-of-fact you speak about your orientation, the more comfortable others will be with it. Writing that made me think of babies and dogs…they sense when one is uneasy around them…people do that as well.

    If nobody has told you, then I will…”Good for you! You’re gay! (or bisexual, or transgender, etc)”

  4. Transparency and authenticity are both very hard ways to live when it has been drilled in us our lives are wrong, our behavior is wrong and we should be careful not to make other uncomfortable. One thing that helped me was realizing God as my Heavenly Father could not possibly be pleased with me being invisible and living in fear. God as my Heavenly Father could not be pleased with the way I was ALLOWING people to treat me. No more than a loving parent would be pleased with their human child being bullied. Then it dawned on me … if God accepts me … and I believe he does … then I should accept myself. I believe God has specific responsibilities in relationships that he expects us to maintain and it is difficult to maintain a Godly relationship when you are looking over your shoulder, trying to please humans. Love yourself my friend. Know on this Good Friday that Christ died for YOU and that he intends for you to live abundantly just the way he created you.

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