I No Longer Wanted To Hide

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“For the past 4-5 years I was hoping for the day that I would just go to sleep one night and not wake up the next.”

You may find David’s story surprising, or maybe all too familiar. In either case, it is inspiring – and I want to share it with you today…

I was raised very traditional Southern Baptist–from preschool to 7th grade I went to the school at the church. My family has strong ties to the church. My dad’s dad (my grandfather who passed before I was born) was one of the like 6 people that started the baptist church in our city just over 50 years ago.

From the time I was 11 years old until I was 23 I was very involved in the Boy Scouts of America, I am an Eagle Scout and have several other awards from them.

I feel my life has been a shadow, I feel I have had to build a life to hide who I am, trying to be who my family wants me to be, who the people I am around want me to be.

Over the years my parents and society and church have said some very hurtful things, when you hear “those people are going to ruin the earth” what are you to think?

But it started tearing me apart on the inside, every day seemed harder and harder to get up every day, hide everything about me, put a smile on. I was in fear that I may do something or say something and someone would say “is he gay?”

For the past 4-5 years I was hoping for the day that I would just go to sleep one night and not wake up the next.

I just did not understand why I had these feelings when I was told it was wrong.

Last semester I was taking a human growth and development class and we were on the part about identity and I felt I had no identity and I started looking more and more into it.

November 4 was the day I decided I no longer wanted to hide it, I experienced every emotion, it became overwhelming but who was there to talk to? I felt I could not get through this alone. I felt I was trying to process to much information at one time.

November 6 was the day I told the first person, the lady at the suicide hotline and then I called the Trevor Project a few days later, which helped tremendously.

About mid-November I told a friend of mine. But it is amazing the power of God, at the time you may not see what he is doing in your life but he was holding my hand the entire time. He placed an angel into my life named Nathan from Utah. We started out talking about fitness, it was very helpful, more of a distraction, a way to release stress. we talked by text over an app a few times a week.

By about the first of December Nathan could see something was going on in my life and I did not know how to tell him, I mean what would he think, well it turns out he is also gay and was getting married a few weeks later. We started talking more and talk about everything,

I finally found someone to talk to and he has been amazing, I view him as an older brother. I don’t think I would be here today if I had never met him. He kept me going through some very rough days. I feel we have a long friendship ahead of us, I know I have put him through a lot of stress, and I have no idea why he stuck around, but I can’t thank him enough for what he has done in my life.

A week before Christmas I told my mom, wow what a day, but she said she loves me and did not say much more, but that is all I needed.

In January I told my oldest brother, in February I told my twin brother and in March I told my Dad.

I went to a PFLAG meeting in Pensacola and through them I found A Safe Port Counseling Center and my final session is this Wednesday. I was also told about Michael and Denise Moore – amazing people – through whom I have learned God loves me just the way I am. They are shining examples of what the church should be.

Not very long ago, I did not want to live anymore. Today, I look forward to each day with a new hope and strength. It does indeed get better. Susan, thanks for listening and loving the way you do.

David

5 thoughts on “I No Longer Wanted To Hide

  1. David, I am so glad God has placed people along your path who can confirm that God loves you and that your life has immense value. May you continue to grow in strength and joy, as you come to know yourself better.

  2. God bless your precious heart, David. I am grateful you are sharing your story here and with other trusted people. Lynn said it all and said it perfectly. Please forgive us. Go and live into your beautiful truth!

  3. Thank you, David, for sharing your story. People don’t realize how much our words and attitudes are affecting others. Please forgive us, we know not what we do. We have a lot of educating that needs to be done on behalf of the LGBT community. It seems the irony is that the church, trying to be righteous, can’t see THEIR sin of hurting people so badly that it would drive them to suicide! It must be that the plank in our eye is so much bigger than the sawdust we are trying to remove from another. I don’t believe God’s perfect love ever makes people want to end their lives, so we know where this is coming from.

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