Margaret Court’s Outdated Game With the LGBTQI Community

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Margaret Court was the name in Women’s Tennis. She was the best in the world. She set records. The Australian Open’s Court Arena bears her name. But her game is sadly out of date. She would not have even a teensy-weensy chance against the 100th ranked player today, let alone Serena.

Not. A. Chance.

Bless her heart. I admire her tennis—for the day she played it. Today it’s anachronistic; that is, it’s out of the sequence of time. It’s old, out-of-date, quaint. No one should fault her for that. She was groundbreaking in her day! But her tennis has no place today.

Interestingly, neither would Serena’s tennis have a place in the 1960s. There was no paradigm then in which such a game as Serena’s could have existed! No worldview, if you will, from which today’s top games could have emerged. Today’s tennis would be as out of time in the 60s as Margaret Court’s tennis is today.

If you like women’s gymnastics, watch Nadia Comaneci’s “perfect 10” routines from the 1976 Olympics. You will smile! And of course no one would take any of her hard-earned accolades away from her—but neither are they used to train today’s gymnasts. Even the simple positioning of the uneven bars is far different today.

The fact that the one-time world’s best tennis player is now quaint is as it should be. We only unfold into the time and space in which we live. Those who see beyond their own time we consider prophetic, and they usually get a prophet’s reward—or punishment. Think Galileo and Martin Luther King, Jr.

Another interesting fact on the timeline is that Margaret Court came right after Althea Gibson. Court probably watched Gibson win in the 1950s. Yet those two pros would not have used the same locker room. Blacks and whites had separate bathrooms, separate drinking fountains, separate societies. And though I don’t know Court’s ideas about black players or race in general—racism was the prevailing worldview of her day. She would have been anachronistic if she hadn’t absorbed the racist views around her.

Context, always context.

Court also lived in a day when LGBTQI people were pretty much under the radar and lacking in any recognition, not to mention rights. If she were homophobic in the 60s or 70s, we should not be surprised; perhaps we would not we even hold her to account for that, given the homophobia of the day.

But we should hold her to account for speaking her homophobic views today.

Why? Because those views hurt LGBTQI people and those who love them. Those views empower bullies to take horrific action against LGBTQI people. Those views empower clergy to oppress, marginalize, and speak publicly against a segment of society. Those views hold society back with outdated, fracturing, divisive ideas. They hinder humanity’s movement toward wholeness and healing.

Court bases her opinion on her theology that God created marriage as between a man and woman. It’s a simple enough theology, and by simple I mean lacking nuance, context, and understanding of overarching themes of scripture. It’s a flat, pedestrian read I have deconstructed before.

But as I read more about Court, I became interested in the human element. Court’s biggest competitor was Billie Jean King, also legendary, also a champ. Court won 24 grand slam singles titles next to King’s 12. Their rivalry (aka hatred) was about as legendary as their game.

In the 1970s were two highly publicized tennis matches: The Battle of the Sexes. This during the push for the Equal Rights Amendment—to grant women the same rights as men. In one of these two matches, Court played Bobby Riggs and lost. In the other match, King played Riggs and won. King won acclaim for destroying this “male chauvinist,” as Riggs was called. What hoopla! I remembered King’s winning face everywhere. I didn’t even remember Court had played.

You think Court’s feelings about King (resentment? envy?) played into her view of King? Of course! These were huge rivals. The fact that Court’s nemesis was a lesbian could hardly help coloring her view of lesbians in general. To think it wouldn’t is to misapprehend human nature.

Players, many lesbian players, are calling for the Margaret Court Stadium to be renamed. Some people are aghast at that thought, of course. After all, the stadium was named based on Court’s achievements as a tennis player, not on her opinions and/or theology. But Court’s magnified voice to speak her opinions and theology comes from the platform of her tennis accomplishments, not the views alone. You can throw a rock and hit a hundred pastors who have the same view but not the same platform.

In any case, Court’s view is not profound or unique—it’s not even educated. It’s just an opinion. But the amplification of her views via her tennis platform makes the tennis relevant, and makes the naming of the stadium relevant. Pushback is appropriate. (We pushed back when Court supported apartheid, as South Africa denied entry to African-American Arthur Ashe.)

Personal views are one thing. Public views that divide and hurt are another.

Court’s old ideas about lesbians would not even be relevant were it not for the platform tennis affords her. I contend they’re still irrelevant. She’s not a lesbian; she doesn’t have their experience. If she were saying that her ideas then were wrong and she sees things differently today, that would be relevant—not because I would then agree with her but because that is the direction society is moving: toward greater acceptance and greater inclusion of those different from us, even—especially—of those we may not understand.

That is the very heart of God and the Gospel.

Give Margaret Court her due. She was once the best tennis player in the world, and she moved the game of women’s tennis far forward.

But beyond that, Court is simply another voice opining about changes she simply does not like or agree with. That’s fine—she doesn’t have to come with us as we move life and humanity forward. But neither should we allow her to grasp and claw to hold the rest of us back.

We have ‘pay-what-you-want’ video courses helping parents love, accept & affirm their LGBTQI children; helping those in the faith community be more loving & fully inclusive; and helping LGBTQI heal shame from family, church & community wounds. We also have private support groups for parents, and other resources. Please click here.

A Father’s Plea to Christian Dads of LGBTQI Children

Annie & Rob

Annie & Rob

Seven years ago, my daughter came out. I love her. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing. I stand with her. I defend her. I believe in her. I protect her.

And my life’s work is now to advocate for her and for all those in the LGBTQI community.

Maybe you have a gay son, or a lesbian daughter, or a bisexual, transgender or queer child. And maybe this is not what you hoped forwhat you dreamed of. But regardless of the labels placed on our kids by others, they are still our children and their dreams are still very much alive!

If you are willing to take an often difficult and sometimes scary journey with me, it will impact your heart and your life in ways more wonderful than you can imagine. It will lead you into a deeper love for your child, your family and for God.

Having a gay child is an absolute blessing!

I never had a conflict between my unconditional love for my child, and my faith… until my daughter came out.

What?!?

The source of that conflict could not be my love for my child. That love is pure, holy, God-given, true, right and everything good in this world. So the source of the conflict had to be somewhere in my faith beliefs.

That is the key moment.

That realization is the decision point, and probably one of the most important decisions of my life and my child’s life. How I as a parent react and respond to that will impact both of our lives forever.

Some parents abandon their child for their faith. Indefensible. Some parents abandon their faith for their child. Either decision is gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, soul-shatteringand either will have horrible, tragic consequences.

There is a better way. But to make it, you have to be willing to take a journey.

If the source of the conflict can only be somewhere in your faith, then you have to open the box you are in and honestly examine your beliefs. And when you do that, God will reveal truth to you about God’s heart and unconditional love, not only for your child, but for you too.

When you take that journey and step outside of the box of behavior-focused Christianity, it can be scarybut the freedom, peace and truth you discover along the journey is exquisite, life-giving, and deeply satisfying to your heart and soul.

I plead with you to hear my heart.

My relationship with my daughter has never been better, my relationship with God has never been deeper.

To get there, I had to step away from religion, fundamentalism, legalism, anything that is part of behavior-focused, expectation-driven Christianity. As I stepped away from that, I realized I was stepping into the very life Jesus taught and showed us.

I learned that unconditional love, affirmation and acceptance of my LGBTQ child is actually consistent with a faith that follows Jesus.

I now say that I am fully affirming of LGBTQI people BECAUSE of my faith, not in spite of it!

Your precious child holds your heart like no other. And you hold their heart in your hands like no one ever will.

What you do, how you react, the words you say, will have a greater impactfor good or badthan you know.

I am just a dad, there is nothing special about me. All I did was refuse to abandon my child, and I refused to abandon my faith. I decided to begin a journeya blessed beautiful journey.

One step at a time.

Will you join me?

– Rob Cottrell

p.s. If you are a Dad and need someone to talk with, please email me at robertcottrell@aol.com. You are loved and you are not alone.

We have pay-what-you-can video courses helping parents love, accept & affirm their LGBTQI children; helping those in the faith community be more loving & fully inclusive; and helping LGBTQI heal shame from family, church & community wounds. We also have private support groups for parents, and other resources. Please click here.

An Unclaimed Body – the Last Victim of Pulse. Where is the Love?

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At a time when a parent weeps uncontrollably, mourning the death of their precious child, what would possibly drive a father to refuse to claim the dead body of his son? Oh wait, he told us: the son was gay.

Where is the love?

Is the middle of the unspeakable pain of losing your child to a senseless act of hate and violence, you have to plan a funeral. What would possibly cause a church to refuse to allow you to hold the memorial service there? Oh wait, they told us: the victim was gay.

Where is the love?

The part of the church that is anti-gay justifies the condemnation and rejection of their LGBTQI brothers and sisters based on a handful of Bible passages – passages that are actually misunderstood and mistaught. But it’s that same Bible, in John 13:35, that says they will know you are Christians by your love.

Not by your doctrine, not by your obedience, not by your statements of faith… by your love!

So, I ask the father who refused to claim the body of his son, I ask the church who refused to allow a funeral of a gay person, I ask those in the church who are non-affirming… what do people know you by?

What names would people use to describe you? They may not be words you would like to hear.

You claim to be Christian but Jesus told you to love God, and love others – period. And by this would people know that you follow and believe in him.

On my recent trip to Orlando, I went to Pulse. The sky had just begun to clear as we arrived. It had been raining all day, which seemed only fitting. Colorful canvas banners lined the chain link fence around the black shell of a nightclub, and memorial tributes were everywhere.

We smiled at two young men. The tears in their eyes brought tears to mine, and we chatted a bit about their trip from out of state to visit the site. I was with my friend Debby—we had just come from a gathering of the Orlando moms from our Facebook moms group, so we were feeling maternal.

We signed the banners. We read the notes left by others, feeling their hearts through their words and mementos left behind. In all that I read, I did not see one scripture reference, no mention of God or Jesus, no obvious words of comfort from those who are called, above all else, to love.

Where is the love?

A young woman was sweeping the grounds of bits of debris left from the rain. She told us she comes regularly, that this was her way of showing respect to the victims. She cried a little and Debby hugged her. She said she had seen the killer in Pulse several times before, with a male date. And she started crying again. I hugged her and held her tight, until she finally broke and she just cried without trying to hold it back.

I thought about all the love in this place, from all the words of love and hope to the display of rainbows, flowers, painted rocks, and stream of visitors. I thought of the love of the families whose hearts were ripped out of their chest from their unimaginable loss. And I thought of the victims—sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, workers, students, young adults and mature adults—and the love that follows them still.

And I thought of the murderer. In this kind of killing spree, what kind of messy world must have existed for this man whose father vociferously rejects gay people? How might he have found his way out of his own pain and confusion?

How does the father who refuses to claim the dead body of his son, or the church who refuses to host a funeral for a gay person, or Christians who have refused to come here to express their love, find their way out of all of this pain, confusion, and hate.  How do any of us find our way out?

Love.

Love is the only way out of this madness. Love is the only path that will lead beyond the hatred and self-loathing and rejection that explodes in these horrific acts.

If you are the parent of an LGBTQI child, love is all you need to know, all you need to do. If you don’t understand, if you don’t agree, just love and let the answers come when they come. You will never, ever regret loving too much.

If you are LGBTQI, know in the deepest places of your heart that you are loved and you are not alone. God, the universe, a higher power loves you – completely, fully, as you are, for who you are.

Where is the love? It is in us to give. It always has been and it always will be. It is our choice whether or not we let it out.

Love. Please.

We have pay-what-you-can video courses helping parents love, accept & affirm their LGBTQI children; helping those in the faith community be more loving & fully inclusive; and helping LGBTQI heal shame from family, church & community wounds. We also have private support groups for parents, and other resources. Please click here.

How to Parent an LGBTQI (or Any) Child

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Today’s my girls’ birthday, my lovely youngest daughter. She moves to LA tomorrow. Onward toward her music career.

How the years fly and in the end, and when those kids soar off to their own adventures, we are left to wave and wish them joy and peace and life.

What do you wish you had done differently as a parent? What do you wish your parents had done differently?

Love. That is what a wise older woman told me she would want to do again: let them know how much she loves them. And let them know how much Jesus loves them.

Love well. Be there for them, sure, but be there in the way they need: unconditionally, peacefully, trusting God with these beautiful beings entrusted to us. Trusting the process of life as it unfolds, and trusting our children to be as equipped in their quest for life as we were… or weren’t. Not trying to prevent every misstep (as we see it) but instead letting life do what life does: grow, nurture, teach, refine, mature.

Loving ourselves too and knowing we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. I have only a few regrets, a handful of things I wish I’d known back then. Like how vital love is, above all else. That things will all work out, whatever working out looks like. That nothing is more beautiful in that house we raise our family in than the people in it.

If you’re a parent, go love those children. Hug them, kiss their cheeks, and tell them they are absolutely perfect the way they are, the way God designed them. If they are not “performing up to standards,” get over yourself and love them. That’s what God told you to do: be God’s love, not God’s judgment. If this is hard for you, start with love for yourself; ask God to show you God’s love for you.

If you’re someone whose parents simply won’t love you as you are, let my love cover you. Let my words pour into you until you can embody that love for yourself.

And if you can grasp this, know that your parent’s lack of complete love for you pours out from a lack of complete love for themselves—the problem is not in you but in them, because they have fear where love should be.

Life is big and it goes by quickly. Grab all the love you can in it. Give all the love you can to it.

How the years fly and in the end, when the curtain begins to draw to a close, we are left to love, infinitely.

We have comprehensive video courses helping parents love, accept & affirm their LGBTQI children; helping those in the faith community be more loving and fully inclusive; and helping LGBTQI heal shame from family, church and community wounds. Please click here.

The Ultimate Question: What If You’re Wrong?

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Are we so terrified of an angry God that we choose to err of the side of judging a person instead of loving them?

Unfortunately, the answer is “yes” for much of the church. And it is destroying the lives of people and entire families – many of whom we call brothers and sisters in Christ.

What if it is wrong to condemn same-sex relationships?  What if it is wrong to affirm same-sex relationships?

“What if you’re wrong?” 

It is an important question, and for those on both sides of the issue, it is a question that must be answered.

Whether you are convinced that homosexuality is wrong, or if you are convicted that we have misinterpreted these handful of scriptures — either way, we are called to love, unconditionally.

And we have done a poor job of it.

It is not our job to correct and control other people’s behavior. God is well able to guide us in truth — on any issue at any time. God sent the Spirit to do just that. We are called to love each other and trust God with everything else. Jesus railed only on the self-sufficient, self-righteous, never on the tenderhearted.

If you judge, condemn, reject, shun and shame those in the LGBTQI community and their families, and you are wrong, what is the result? Devastated lives, people who want absolutely nothing to do with the Jesus you are convinced they desperately need.

If you unconditionally love, affirm and accept those in the LGBTQI community and their families, and you are wrong, what is the result?  You focused on the heart instead of on any behavior – as Jesus did. Love, joy, kindness, relationship – the aroma of Jesus.

I am perfectly okay if I stand face-to-face with God and am told, “Susan, you loved way too much!”

Listen to your heart. Hear God’s Spirit leading you. Love others, and trust God with all the rest. You may not have all the answers yet, but if you are going to err, do it on the side of love.

If you have to chose between love and doing what is right, chose love because love is always right.

We have comprehensive video courses helping those in the faith community be more loving and fully inclusive; helping parents love, accept & affirm their LGBTQI children; and helping LGBTQI heal shame from family, church and community wounds. Please click here. 🙂

Would You Rather Have a Gay Child or a Dead Child?

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I am sorry if the title of this post shocks you, or strikes you as harsh or over-dramatic. But honestly, parents don’t realize what they’re asking of their LGBTQI kids. And they don’t realize what their rejection is doing to them.

This is not about inclusion. This is a matter of life and death.

By making their children stick to their own expectations and standards for them — whether they really think their gay child is going to hell or honestly are just ashamed of them — parents are asking their kids to change something inherent, something that son or daughter can’t change. No matter how much they pray or plead. It’s just not happening.

And the message that sends is absolutely devastating. It tells our kids (young, teens or adults) that they are broken, not okay, for whatever reason.

It’s plain wrong. And it can be tragic.

The suicide statistics for LGBTQ youth is alarming — 40% of gay youth contemplate suicide, 50% of transgender youth – 4 to 5 times the rate for their straight peers. And gay youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as gay peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection.

I have been in dialogue with a close friend about my support and affirmation of gays, and I am heartsick. We are going to meet for coffee, to see if we can find any common ground. She follows Jesus too, so that should be our common ground. But people get disjointed about this, bent out of shape, worked up.

She has already expressed her deep disapproval in me. I am simply loving without condition, which my main job in life (and it’s hers, too!). To even think about meeting with her makes me queasy, but I must speak up for those who deserve to be spoken for.

Just imagine the one who IS gay. How do they feel? Having to discuss this with a family member who doesn’t approve, and other family members, and friends, and church, and society. No wonder this is so hard to walk through. No wonder they feel so alone, because they essentially are so alone.

Family… we are supposed to love and support each other no matter what. If our own family won’t do that, how does that impact our confidence that anyone else can?

Imagine the depth of the shame of a child rejected, condemned, shunned by parents. Or the shame that comes from parents who just “tolerate” their gay child, but the child clearly knows the parents are disgusted by who they are.

And imagine a parent conveying the message that God too is ashamed and disgusted?

Shame is not a good motivator, it’s a horrible motivator that can destroy a person’s heart and spirit.  Shame only makes a person feel fundamentally defective, and no one has the right to do that to someone else.

EVERYONE deserves to be treated as a human being. Even people you might disagree with.

I know this can be hard. Please don’t go through it alone. Seek out people to talk to – people who will support and encourage you – people who will affirm, accept and love your gay child, and you too.

I have private Moms groups on social media, Rob has a Dads group — email us about those.

I am so proud of you for reading this. It may be the first step in making the decision to err on the side of love, to affirm your child. You may have saved their life.

I promise you that it does get better. The answers will come. Just take the next step, and find someone to take it with you.

I am here if you need me.

We know of way too many families who kicked out, condemned, rejected, shunned and shamed their gay child – in Jesus name, claiming they were speaking for God – and who lost their child to suicide or drug abuse.

Please. Don’t. Just don’t. Don’t drive your child over the edge.

Every one of us would regret that for every single day of the rest of our lives.

Breathe. Love them for who they are. Err on the side of love. Trust God with all the rest.

It’s what they deserve because they are human – and because they are your precious child. No matter what.

Just love. Please.

We also have comprehensive video courses helping parents love, accept & affirm their LGBTQI children; helping LGBTQI heal shame from family, church and community; and helping those in the faith community be fully inclusive. Please click here. 🙂

Christians, Here’s Why You Don’t Have to be Afraid to Support Gays

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“Prejudices are breaking down. Walls are breaking down. Pastors are rethinking their entrenched positions. Parents are choosing their child over learned doctrine that doesn’t reconcile with their lived experience or with the heart of God.”

I wanted to share this, from a Mom who is part of my private Facebook support group for Moms of LGBTQI children. I’m pretty sure there are a lot of moms — and dads — who feel the same way.

Being only two years into this journey with my son, I still once in a great while read people’s anti-accepting comments and blogs and wonder “am I being deceived?” Oh how I wish Jesus would have just come out (haha) and SAID what many of us know he’s showing us. But then I think… this journey is such a challenge, for us on “this” side, for those on “that” side, and for our gay friends and family caught in the middle. And challenges shape us, force us to draw near to God. If we allow them to, challenges CHALLENGE our thinking, our past teachings, make us take a look at our convictions (are they Biblical, just what we’ve been taught, or just the way we “feel”), encourage us to open our hearts AND our minds, to delve deeper, and to fervently pray our hearts out to the Lord.

I love her thoughts here. When I started writing and speaking about LGBTQI issues, I kept saying, “PLEASE God, don’t let me lead anyone astray!” I love Jesus with all my heart, and that’s the last thing I would want to do.

I felt like I’d stepped onto a high wire without a harness. I prayed not to fall before I reached the other side… and it felt like a perilous walk.

But God kept confirming me in gentle ways.

People would comment that they could see the love of Jesus in what I shared, or they felt that someone had finally heard them and loved them as is.

That is the whole point. How could that not be God’s doing? Of course, I’d have preferred a text directly from God early on saying I was doing and believing the right thing, but God is more subtle than that.

Jesus taught outright, “I accept and love ALL people.” Period. He did not add regardless of orientation, just like he did not add regardless of race, or age, or gender. Many Christians seem to need that, and if he had, they would have just moved on to another battle.

Perhaps God gave us the journey this way to focus on relationship instead of on right and wrong.

Perhaps there was a plan here to encourage us to dive deeper into the road Jesus laid out for us, of love first, love last, and love throughout. Perhaps there was a plan to help us deepen our love for and relationships with those we may have been taught did not “deserve” our love and attention, and those we were taught are somehow “less than.”

Jesus did not add anything. Love. Period.

Many Christians add things so that they can have another platform to stand on and be right about. It has led, and continues to lead to marginalization and oppression of groups of people – simply because of who they are.

Focusing on right and wrong is living off the tree of knowledge. That was the whole point of the two trees. The tree of life is about focusing on the Spirit of God leading us in all truth. Leading us in love, and in relationship.

That gave me great comfort and I hope it does for you too.

Now, I have no doubt that God is moving — not just in me but in so many others.

Prejudices are breaking down. Walls are breaking down. Pastors are rethinking their entrenched positions. Parents are choosing their child over learned doctrine that doesn’t reconcile with their lived experience or with the heart of God and teachings of Jesus. I see it every day.

So much is changing, and I believe we are in a time of reformation, a time when people are stepping out and learning how to unconditionally love others, and learning that they themselves are indeed unconditionally loved by God.

Now there are many of us walking that wire. We know we are not alone, and it’s much closer to the ground.

I long since stopped being afraid. I know I am living in truth, and on the right side of God’s heart and the right side of history.

I affirm LGBTQI because of my faith, not in spite of it.

All it required was trust in that still small voice. And it showed me that I was hearing God all along.

You can hear that too. You have nothing to be afraid of.

We have comprehensive video courses helping parents love, accept & affirm their LGBTQI children; helping LGBTQI heal shame from family, church and community; and helping those in the faith community be fully inclusive. Please click here. 🙂